Behind The Life of The Wife of A Soldier

Army Wife.

I am alone more times than I am with him. I love my soldier. I love everything that my husband has done for myself, my family and this country. However, I don't love the toll being a solider has taken on him. When I met Kevin we were both young, and the whole military life was brand new for both of us. It was easy to shrug off coming home late, or having to be gone over night for duty. I supported him without a single doubt in my mind about committing to his choice to be in the military until he retired.

I was ready for his deployment and rolled my eyes at anyone that wanted sympathy because I was ready. The deployment hit and I took it by the horns and rode it out a full year and was ready to carry on as a family until the next deployment hit. But the soldier I welcomed home, wasnt the hilarious, goofy, stay up all night to talk to me and cuddle soldier. He was angry. He was distant. He was frustrated. He was vulnerable. He had been "affected" by the war. We went to therapy. He promised to change. But I never was sure what I wanted him to change into?

When he left I became very independent, very capable of taking care of myself and our son. I figured out how to get things done without any help, because I didnt have any friends. I didn't mind going through the days and weeks only talking to the baby because I was so sure when my husband came home we would spend days talking and just relishing our moments together. But when he came home...he could have still been in Afghanistan. The distance still remained. I was different. He was different. Our family was now He. I. Baby. Now we all had to adjust to everything. It was hard.

We spent time fighting. Not talking. Avoiding each other. Smiling through the uncertainty. If you ask me, we both knew we were further apart than if we were complete strangers sharing a bed. I would stay awake and watch him scream and call out and want to hug him and tell him he was home, but he was still in Afghanistan.

Now that we have had time to readjust he has just been told he is resetting to deploy. The distance has made its way in again. We both pull away so that the good-bye won't be as hard. I dislike knowing that for a year I will be a single parent. But what can we do? Sometimes I forget that when he leaves he is alone too. He has no wife. He has no son. He has no one. He is alone.

I do not understand why everyone believes that the military is such a great life but it is not. It breeds broken homes, and distant families.

I know so many families in this life, but they look so distant. The wives carry the weight of the world on their shoulders so as not to burden their soldier who is carrying his duty as well as his love, and longing to be with his family. What kind of tragic epic is this? Not one for me.

Some women love and live through their mate because this life is all they have. They do not work. They have children. They just have the stories their mate has told them. My mate has told me some. He has kept in alot. We don't talk about the war. I know it was bad, because several times his unit made the world news and I could share stories about where he was and what he was doing when he called.

He has denied he has PTSD, but I live with him. I know when he has anxiety attacks because I see his mood and body change. I know the stress he feels. I know because I am his wife. I am his other half. I hurt like he hurts. I cry for him. I pray for him. We don't often fight. But when we do, I see the frustration, because he cannot do everything I am asking even though he wants to. His job takes up his day and when he has eaten dinner he sleeps to reset for the next day. So I am not enjoying having a husband and his is not enjoying having a wife.

Our weekends are our honeymoons and usually we start the separation on Sunday. We start to separate to prepare for the week ahead where we sit down eat dinner and briefly talk about our day and he falls asleep. We have text convos all the time....but what kind of long distance-in house relationship is this? We have everything we want, but dont get to enjoy any of it. It is so devastating. Its like having a million dollars but your account is frozen. When do we get to enjoy each other? When do we get to be a normal family? That doesnt have to make plans to just be together. Its frustrating. I am ready to be a normal family.

I want a normal life. I am not unhappy with my husband, I love him with all that I have. But the strain of being in this life is taking its toll. I love my husband. He loves me. And what we both would love is some TIME together. It is terrible because we need more time, and thats exactly what we don't have enough of. What an amazing life.

Love you sweetheart.