I missed my b-log

I haven't forgotten about you...I am still here I guess kinda out of it...tired overly tired postpartum or something? And...I am going to update you soon and very soon...

"I wanna touch thee earth, I wanna break it in my hand...I wanna grow something wild and unruly..."


I keep facing the question of "what next"...I am now a civilian. I am a mother. I am a wife. My husband is home from deployment. Soooo what next? No stress. No worries. Just me facing my old demon...me.


When I first started college my professor, came into the room blond permed hair half covered in chalk and her own spittle (she was a live wire), tossed her briefcase on her desk slammed the door (like you would expect your freshman year out of a public college) grabbed a chalk from her pocket and began furiously writing in illegible writing...(pardon the expletive) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Here I am 7 years later...I literally just stopped and counted my fingers...sever years later...time doesn't wait...I could have my MBA, PHD even ...I quit on school. I quit on myself. I quit college to work as a childcare provider, I quit there to work at the IRS, I quit there to move in with my boyfriend, I quit him to move back home, I moved out to work at the IRS again, I quit there to work for Sprint. I quit there to work for the IRS, to quit again and work for Sprint, I quit Sprint to join the Army, I quit the Army to take care of my family......wow...I guess I am a quitter.

What am I doing here? I'm in NY with my husband and son. Marriage is great. Parenthood is an adventure...but what about ME...Crystal, what am I doing with myself? I have no idea. What's funny is that I'm so exhausted by the past couple of years of my life I think I am just taking a backseat and letting come what may.

I was asked what I wanted to do with my future. I haven't a clue. Should I know by now or is that not important? I really don't know. Honestly nor do I care. I am taking a mental, emotional, spiritual vacation. But not a day goes by when I don't think about it. I want to be something. I want to be something great and amazing, but I can pretty much bet I will just be another human sucking up air and leaving a large carbon footprint. <-I don't mean to be melodramatic it just is what it is. I think I have met my potential. Is being a mother enough? Probably not, but I am happy here I am comfortable I am doing all I can do to make this house a home and make my family happy.

So even though I want to be an amazing person that is greatly successful we will pump the breaks on that. For now.

Blue Magic Hair Grease

Blue Magic Hair Grease
It is the scent of spring and summer memories
on the play ground
playing kickball in the outfield
waiting
on that red rubber ball to drop into my arms
so I could be the hero that recess
Distracted by the sizzle on my scalp
the smell of that blue magic hair grease
conditioning my hair
popping
the rubber bands twisted 'round my ponytails
i liked to wear eight
now seven
because the sun had heated that blue magic hair grease
and popped the band
that snugly held
braid number eight
the one in the middle
in place
who cares about kickball?
i need a teacher to fix this!
I don't want my mom mad at me
I grab my loose braid
forsaking my position in the outfield and the game
i run to the fence where the teachers congregated
to talk about what they'd seen on C-SPAN
Then the war was Desert Storm
If only we could go back to the time of Blue Magic
Back when we knew how to end a war
I pull one of their skirts
I ask for a rubber band
I am told to wait until recess is over
'till we go inside
where all the kids fuss
about who is first in line
cuz you wanted the best water
from the "coldest" fountain
It was the one around the corner
a few steps up the hall
i sit out the rest of the game of kickball
cuz i cant stand having one braid out of place
my hand is sweaty
i can feel that blue magic
thick blue magic hair grease
dripping into my ear
slowly melting like a vanilla cone
my bottom is sweaty
from sitting on the blacktop
my back is sweaty
from leaning against the chain link fence
all the kids are having fun
all of them accept for me
i wore my fast sneakers today
the kind with the lights
the kind that make me kick the ball far
i hate blue magic
i hate its smell
i hate how it always breaks my rubber bands
my head is like a skillet
and blue magic is like lard
the heat of the sun
always broke them bands
I always was in trouble
for messing up my hair
now im mad at my mom
for not using
the ponytail holder with the decorative bows
with the elastic bands
that wont pop in the sun...
Blue Magic Hair Grease
product of choice
for every black girl without a perm

You Signed Up For This...

I would want nothing more in my life right now, than to be discharged from the Army. That is ironic because I have put so much effort into becoming a solider. I have never worked so hard for anything in my life or strived to achieve any goal. When I put that uniform on, you can't take the pride I feel away from me...its like I become super woman when I lace up my boots...And yet I am so ready to walk away, its crazy.



Maybe I'm going crazy to let go of something I fought so hard to complete?

Its funny trying to explain being in the military to civilians because I don't know WHAT they think the military is, but it isn't. And until you have signed your name on that contract, been to basic training, and been humbled by accepting your limitations...you DON'T know what it is to be in the military. You can talk all the jargon, but that doesn't MAKE you a solider. You will never get it, you will never understand, and it just irritates the crap out of soldiers to hear you do it.

Although I am enlisted I no longer consider myself a soldier.

When I enlisted I was on top of the world, I was single not married and had no children, I was the Army's dream...I was ready to commit my life to something bigger and better than me...and here I am 2 years under my belt and everything has changed.

I feel ashamed even acknowledging that I want to get out. It is the way we were conditioned. It is the way I was trained.

I don't regret joining the Army. I would have never met my husband. My husband whom loves me more than words can describe who doesn't show much emotion ,but when he does knows he makes me cry. When I cry its tears of appreciate and gratitude. I have never been loved like he loves me. My own father doesn't love me as much as my husband does. You can't buy that kinda of love. Kevin and I knew each other two weeks before getting married. Best spontaneous decision I ever made.


I cannot help feeling "shame" and "frustration" as a military wife and mother. Let me explain.

I know that being a wife and mom is the best thing ever, I am with the love of my life, but we wives are the unpaid heros that hold it all together that never get thanked for our service to our country and to our troops. My husband has been deployed for most of my marriage and I have been a "single wife" and "single mother". I love my husband. I love my son. Sometimes, I feel like I am the only one going through what I am going through and dealing with what I am dealing with. Although I know that isn't true, because I have begun to share with many military friends and find that they too are coping with this strange lifestyle the military provides us.

I am weak for not dealing with the Army life. Who have I become?

I have abandoned my "Hooah" commitment to our country...I no longer believe in country first...bitterness has sprung up in my relationship with Uncle Sam...my family is all that is important to me and salvaging the moments we have, because there isn't much time to be a family because we are always separated. I feel abandoned everyday when I wake to tend to Noah. Who is there to help me? No one.

I shake it off and hug myself, because I'm alone.

The military mindset is we as the women, the mothers, the cornerstone and foundation to the family are expected to be strong. Keep a stiff upper lip. Because after all, WE signed up for this. We signed up for our husbands to be in harms way. To never be at home. We signed up for them to be long distance daddy's. To be the picture we blow kisses to, and the "daddy bear" teddy we snuggle at night(courtesy of the Walton's). As a wife I am expected to have no emotion. No sorrow, no heartache, no tears, nothing. I "signed up" to be stoic about the man I love. I watch the news "three soldiers killed"...I get the calls "the was an incident, a solider in your husbands unit is dead"...and when I try to relay my stress to my civilian family and friends they don't get it. "You signed up for this" they say "You need to stop being weak and be strong for your family and your son".





No sympathy. No emotion. No support. No help. That is the role of an Army wife.



I am to be better than having any feelings of weakness, of remorse, of frustration, depression, disgust, anger and bitterness, because "we signed up for this-we KNEW that this is what it was going to be like when we got married so we cannot complain".
God forbid we ever breathe a cross word about our day to our families, we are being weak . And to our soldiers, they always seem to ask... "What are you complaining about you are in America-"


How could I be so heartless to ever need encouragement...I apologize.



But how fair is it for our gripes to be blown off as "mundane".




Really?

Have you ever wanted to switch places with someone and show them how "easy" your life is? I go through this daily, but again I know that is not realistic. We as military wives are nomads. We pick up our lives and move to distant places where we know no one and know nothing about where we have been moved, and yet we try to make the best of life when all we want is to go back to somewhere things are familiar.



The Family Readiness Groups provide the military wives with support as well as the commanding officers of our soldiers. All of us know that to not be true. Not true at all. I logged onto the FRG website and here is an excerpt from the commander to the wives to boost morale it reads as follows:

"Ladies…I know this deployment has been hard. I realize there has been no help with the more mundane tasks in a family’s life - dishes, laundry, trash, picking up around the house, help with homework, and tending to the children (those are the things that frequently get me in the most trouble). Be thankful, though, that you aren’t an Afghan woman. Not only do they have tremendous responsibilities thrust upon them, but the men in this country “be hatin” when it comes to them. They are lacking some serious R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"

He goes on to say how the Afghan women do all the work from plowing the fields, rearing children and performing "their wifely obligations" and all the men do is read the paper, sleep, discuss politics and go to the markets....hmm...for us women here in America doesn't sound too different from what we do. I go to work, take care of the baby, cook, clean, shovel(when you live in upstate NY that is a good 3ft from Nov-May), pay bills, go to the grocery store, and the list goes on, I am not discrediting our spouses work, but when are WE, the wives, going to be getting some R-E-S-P-E-C-T at home in America? Give us some credit! A pat on the back...something!? All I want is acknowledgment that I am doing WELL.... whether it be from my family, the military, other Army wives or friends. I need encouragement when I reach out to them and for them to LISTEN and not judge when I talk to them about my concerns. But this kind of support does not exist. Sometimes I pray for long hours, search the bible for something to bring me peace of mind, but because I don't scream from the mountain tops " I'm hurting, I'm lonely, I'm praying for my husband, my marriage, my son, my health, my sanity, for peace, I am losing it right now"...no one cares.

As an Army wife...I can't help feeling shame, disappointment and loneliness...because I signed up for this and have buyers remorse. If I could go back I would not bring a child into this insanity, because its unfortunate that they never see mommy and daddy together. I would wait until all of the stress and uncertainty was over. But, I signed up for this...who am I to breathe a cross word or complain!?

Where is all this alleged support from the military, from our families back home, from our friends, oohhh that is right, nonexistent...

Our roles are mundane and unimportant. They offer us "God won't give you more than you can bear" and "You're in my prayers" and "Its almost over" when they have never had to count days to anything but the after Thanksgiving sales or summer vacation. Which by the way, we are not allowed to just up and go on (vacations) we have to ask permission like we are children if we want a family get away. But, we signed up for this...we knew better.

For two years I have had to hold my head up and hold those tears in and press on, because that is what I signed up for.

...is this right? Is this fair....no...but its okay, I do it, you do it, your friends do it...everyone knows that this is life for the wife, we get not respect, there is no support, we are horribly neglected, but WE signed up for this...its the military life, I'm a military wife...and although no one wants to admit it...its the truth....