"I wanna touch thee earth, I wanna break it in my hand...I wanna grow something wild and unruly..."


I keep facing the question of "what next"...I am now a civilian. I am a mother. I am a wife. My husband is home from deployment. Soooo what next? No stress. No worries. Just me facing my old demon...me.


When I first started college my professor, came into the room blond permed hair half covered in chalk and her own spittle (she was a live wire), tossed her briefcase on her desk slammed the door (like you would expect your freshman year out of a public college) grabbed a chalk from her pocket and began furiously writing in illegible writing...(pardon the expletive) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Here I am 7 years later...I literally just stopped and counted my fingers...sever years later...time doesn't wait...I could have my MBA, PHD even ...I quit on school. I quit on myself. I quit college to work as a childcare provider, I quit there to work at the IRS, I quit there to move in with my boyfriend, I quit him to move back home, I moved out to work at the IRS again, I quit there to work for Sprint. I quit there to work for the IRS, to quit again and work for Sprint, I quit Sprint to join the Army, I quit the Army to take care of my family......wow...I guess I am a quitter.

What am I doing here? I'm in NY with my husband and son. Marriage is great. Parenthood is an adventure...but what about ME...Crystal, what am I doing with myself? I have no idea. What's funny is that I'm so exhausted by the past couple of years of my life I think I am just taking a backseat and letting come what may.

I was asked what I wanted to do with my future. I haven't a clue. Should I know by now or is that not important? I really don't know. Honestly nor do I care. I am taking a mental, emotional, spiritual vacation. But not a day goes by when I don't think about it. I want to be something. I want to be something great and amazing, but I can pretty much bet I will just be another human sucking up air and leaving a large carbon footprint. <-I don't mean to be melodramatic it just is what it is. I think I have met my potential. Is being a mother enough? Probably not, but I am happy here I am comfortable I am doing all I can do to make this house a home and make my family happy.

So even though I want to be an amazing person that is greatly successful we will pump the breaks on that. For now.