He Who Must Not Be Named...

I find it quite curious the the ones that you are closest to hurt you the most...and even more curious that the ones who hurt you are the ones you try to hold onto. Nearly everyone that has survived a bad relationship can attest to the fact that your so-called "special someone" stepped on your heart dragged it through the mud and you still attempt to dust it off and pretend as if the scuff marks weren't there. But they were. They slowly manifest into cracks and poisoned bitterness fills those cracks with disdain for that individual until you finally cannot stand them anymore. Then for the sake or your sanity you sever the relationship. But, why must you endure so much to realize that individual was bad? My first relationship, the first man I told I loved and lived with hurt me as deeply as any one man could. I never mention his name, I never discuss him, but I find myself thinking about him and wondering if he is still as evil to women now as he was to me then. I pray for the sake of womanhood that he has changed, but I remember how much I held on to him. How deeply I let him hurt me. How every apology and every gift and every excuse always pacified me. I remember how I was so bitter towards him and how I just wanted nothing more than to have never had met him. Then in the sick and twisted part of my brain I craved the excitement and drama....until it went to far. Until the drama was a twisted nightmare I couldn't escape because it was really happening to me and I didn't know how to stop it. I escaped and never looked back, but lost two years of my life, a lot of self respect and a lot of friends behind the worst man ever. I allowed his bad habits to control me and my choices and decisions. I allowed his moods to depict mine. I allowed his depression to engulf me. I allowed his low self esteem invade me. But why? Because I thought that was what it meant to love...to give him all of me, and keep none of me for myself. However, sometimes in life, you must remember to put yourself first above anyone else. Its not selfish, its responsible. You owe it to yourself to remember who you are and what you want to be. I don't know what made me think of this tonight, but it was on my mind. I just fear ever being in this situation again, because the first time it took two years to separate from. I never want to do it again...but if that be the case I think it would take me two minutes...because I will never allow any individual to destroy who I am. I love myself too much for that.