Noah Held Mommy's Hand

Noah. My son. Super Guy. Super Dud. Stinky Guy. Pajama Party Time Jumpin' Around. Little Friend. My Bestin' Friend. Noah. He has many names all of which he answers to. Some of which make him smile that gap toothed smile I love to see. All are different. All are names he knows and responds to.

Autistic. ADD. ADHD. Downs Syndrome.
Noah?
Mr. Sensory Integrative Dysfunction.
Where does Noah fit within this spectrum. Is he disabled? Uniquely-abled? Special needs? Ability Compromised? Lets go with High Needs. Where does Noah fit in this equation with other high needs children. Well, he doesn't. Well, sort of. Okay, maybe not now, but in ten years he will be under this umbrella too. Ten years waiting on someONE to do an empirical study on children and sensory processing. GREAT. I won't hold my breath. Its so new its weird to many. I even thought so at first, but when I pushed aside my comfort zone and embraced truth for what it is and not my preconceptions of what every toddler should be doing developmentally. THAT is when I was able to accept. Noah just isn't where he needs to be.

Hmm...He is not disabled. So what the heck is he? LABEL TIME! OH NO!!! Let's assess this situation. He is different. He does not like crowded rooms full of people in new places where he isn't allowed to move away. He does not like trying new foods or touching anything (besides mud) that is sticky or wet. He does not eat anything that is wet. He has always hated riding in his carseat. He STILL breastfeeds. He cannot sleep through the night. He screams when my husband or myself leave a room. He wasn't able to use words. He could not sit in his highchair for more than a few minutes. He doesn't like change. He doesn't like strangers, being touched or touching things. He doesn't hold hands, hasn't held mine. He does not like hugs giving or receiving. He doesn't like people in his face. He doesn't like when people are unreasonably loud because he wants to be the loudest thing in the room.

Noah loves to move, stack, to climb, to jump, explore, to dance, to play, to laugh, to sing, to look at books, to GO, to just be outside. He could stay outside digging in dirt, smelling flowers-folliage eating rocks-chunks of dirt-crunchy leaves all day and night. Just about anything his baby hands can reach outside he will touch regardless of texture or apprehension. Noah is almost your typical boy. He is wild he loves to run and play with cars, and get dirty outside. He collects things, mostly rocks, he loves rocks, probably as much as he loves Kevin and I.

Noah is unique. He isn't the kind of baby that demands attention in all he does but you will find yourself observing every new thing he learns and does. At 3 months Noah said Mama and Dadda...at eight months Noah could walk. At nine months Noah got bronchitis and ear infections and suddenly lost all his words. I was afraid. I was embarrassed. My brilliant boy that could do so much...was mute for lack of better words. I hid my shame from my friends and family and passed him off as being shy, knowing all the while that things just were not right.

Turns out that my baby has a delay. *GASP* Yes, he has a delay, but guess what we are taking things one step at a time through innovative therapeutic treatments. In a few years we will have forgotten about all the therapy Noah gets to catch him up with everyone else. In a few years I won't remember Ms. Stephanie or any of his other therapists that have changed our lives. Thanks to his Speech Therapist, Feeding Therapist and Occupational Therapist, Noah also known for a while as No-Words, NOW has WORDS. My son has words! He has a voice, an opinion, an is swift to express his feelings by communicating with me.

NO! he says, and my heart melts. Yeah! He says. Tuh-tul he says pushing his turtle in the tub. GO! GO! GO! He says when he runs. His silly little feet going as fast as his tiny legs will carry him. He uses sign language, he picked it up so fast we know more-stop-help-all done-baby-mommy-daddy-cereal-bubble-go-stop-please and MANY more. I am so blessed to see a change. I was ashamed of him not being able to speak. I felt it was my fault and failure as a mother. I couldn't let go of the fact that I had done something wrong. That somehow I messed up. It was my fault he was different. So many times as a mother we allow our guilt and pride stand in the way of the developmental achievements of our little ones. Was it important that Noah beat the other kids speaking, for me, at first, yes. Now, I just want to know my baby can understand and express his feelings to me. That's what is important. Not the game us mothers play, "Oh well, MY baby can jump over the moon" is that really important, if your baby is mute?

Noah is special and I am so proud. In just a month he has changed so much. Today we went outside on an evening walk and for the first time he reached out and held mommy's hand. One whole year of his life I have never had that pleasure and it literally took my breath away. Just recently he has begun giving me kisses, and announces, MWAH! I hold in the tears. He calls my name "MOMMY" asks for HELP and signs THANK YOU...and that means so much. We will slowly work on creative fixes for not touching or being touched. We will improve on not eating, and avoiding sticky things. But my baby is finally back on track. Today he shared with me without retracting his hand before it touched mine. He was able to play a rock in my hand that he had found smile and carry on with his play. To some they are still stuck on the delay *GASP*...but what I am stuck on is that my baby for the first time, reached out and held his Mommy's hand.

My Precious

My precious baby boy.
My heart.
The fruit of my womb.
I kept you safely inside my belly for 40 weeks and it was I that pushed you into this world.
My precious forgive me for all the pain you have endured,
every single fall,
every tear you have shed, any fear or uncertainty of things to come.
Forgive the breif moments when I walk away and the anxiety you face
because you are unsure if I will return
Or the lullabies that rock you to sleep for you to be awakened to see
even if only for a breif moment
I am not there.
Or the times when you need me to comfort you
to hold you close and shut out this big scary world
I pat your head and tell you "You are a big guy, you will be all right".
Forgive me for being busy on the phone,
or fatigued...
I now never want to leave you alone.
If I could take your frustration away,
carry your cross,
this burden I would gladly bear.
It is times like these that I feel weak
fall to my knees and
call out to the Lord in prayer.
If there is a merciful God
whom honors my hard work
and faith,
oh please take this cup from our lips.
I have had my fill of heart ache,
bad news and heart breaks
truly our cup is filled to the brim.
I would surely wither away if worst comes to worst
results confirming my fears.
I just cannot bear to cast this lot on my precious
For he is innocent naive and confused...
My precious I love you so,
I hope to advert such a painful blow...
I cannot bear it.
I love you.
My precious son

Noah Consuelo

Little Old Asian Man

Today I was furious. I cannot remember why I was so furious, but in my anger I decided to be proactive. Do something that was going to make me feel good about myself. I wanted to go to a bar and get a drink alone, but realized I didn't have my debit card which made me even more angry. I was so heated I was sweating then I realized it was because the A/C wasn't on, just the vents blowing hot outside air IN my car which angered me even more. I turned on the radio for some encouragement...Mahalia Jackson...I love gospel but I wasn't in the mood for her slave like crooning at this moment of rage. I found myself pulling across two lanes of traffic into Pikes Peak Community College. I really didn't WANT to go inside I could just as easily have pulled away, because after all the sprinklers were on spraying the sidewalk instead of the grass which was the only way to get in...but I was so furious I figured I was gonna go ahead and go in. What the hell I may as well get even more pissed. I angrily slammed my door, angrily power walked into the building. 94 degrees on top of my fury made it 110 outside. In my anger I dunno how I noticed the little old Asian man, I kept looking at the group of losers outside the front of the buildings huddled up smoking even though the sign posted behind them clearly stated they were closer than the designated 50 feet. I really hate the smell of cigarette smoke and wanted to yell something witty at them but figured since it was a group of men I would be better off keeping my opinion to myself. I am always afraid someone will rape and assault me for saying something so I continued to walk. I noticed my underwear are getting to small due to the uncomfortable riding up my ass, either my undies are too small or my ass is getting too big but I haven't been on a scale so I have no idea. My stomach was growling I realized I had only eaten half a bowl of cereal which my son stuck his hand inside and finished the rest, which is probably why I felt so faint. Then I looked up and noticed a little old Asian man fighting so hard to pick himself up from the sidewalk. He had dropped his backpack and his cane had flown six feet under a vehicle. I noticed several people had briskly walked ahead of him. A police cruiser had driven by without even noticing him as well. I am trained to keep my eyes forward and keep going. He kept muttering something and trying to pull himself up. I get all these chain emails about seniors raping stupid women like myself. In that moment I figured why not, I'd rather get raped by him than the stupid people against the building smoking.
"Are you okay," I asked stopping just short of his reach as he continued to struggle he didn't look up just continued to try to pull himself up on the car he was clenching to.
"Yes. I'm fine," he mumbled still staggering to the pull himself up. He was trembling with all his might. I realized he couldn't rape me. I reached out for his cane, he nodded and reached for it. He gave a relieved smile pulled himself together.
'Do you need any help?' I asked. He mumbled no. I noticed all the smokers were staring I threw them a smug glare. They were even bigger douches. I hurried off seeing as the old man was on his feet and hurried past the spray of the sprinklers. I cannot believe people. I guess that is life. Ignoring the little old Asian man. I wonder how long he sat there struggling before my angry black ass came along? I don't know. I have no idea if that was a life lesson. It happened in all of ten seconds and I went about my day. As I was looking for the correct office to enter...behind me I heard a female open the door for the little old Asian man...what she said bothered me. She said, "I saw you out there on the ground, its a lot cooler in here, huh?"
WTF...she saw him on the ground and let him struggle there but was kind enough to get the door for him. Where was his family? Why was he at that school? I don't know. I guess I was at the right place at the right time today. I am glad to have helped him.

ramble

Sometimes I realize I am a world away from my family and friends even though I am in the same space as them. Where have all my buddies from childhood gone...my girls night out girls...my sisters...my battles...all have in some way or another pulled away into their own world...everyone is worried about someone and usually that is not me. Just random thoughts. I will come back with a more powerful blog...right now my mind is so jammed with thoughts.

Random

Stressing about the relocation of our family. A lot has gone better than expected...some has been very disappointing. But all in all I am confident that soon and very soon we will all be comfortable and happy. Right now its just a little overwhelming.

Doing good in life is it what we are supposed to do or is it a joke?

I'm A Coward

I wrote a blog but I am too cowardly to post it...maybe soon, it was real, it was raw...it was about my life...but I am not ready to do it. Not yet. Maybe another day.

I'm A Coward

I wrote a blog but I am too cowardly to post it...maybe soon, it was real, it was raw...it was about my life...but I am not ready to do it. Not yet. Maybe another day.

Where Do We Go From Here...?

Recently my husband and I jointly decided to go to counseling. It was a genuine joint decision it wasn't one of those married decisions that your spouse makes that you really don't want to be a part of but you just go along with it to shut the other one up. It was something we both had brought up on separate occasions he attempted to get us appointments and then we seemed to fix our problems while waiting on a counselor and then we would end up arguing again. And again and again...most of our arguments seemed really silly. I found myself wondering why we were arguing at all because we never fought before but suddenly everything became a battlefield. It started somewhere within the year he was deployed it seemed like something broke between us like our separation severed the bond that we had that made us forgive and love each other. It was a hurt, bitterness and resentment that neither of us wanted to share with the other so instead we let this barrier fester within us. I internalized all the fighting, the anxiety, the depression, the loneliness, the bitterness, the resentment I had for him, and allowed it to engulf me. Like it was the skin on top of my skin, that I defended myself with and pushed him away with. I literally grew into a new person, as did he...and it seemed as if we no longer were married to each other but married to our evil versions of our good selves. I felt hurt by having to raise a baby and care for a home alone. I felt neglected. I felt forgotten. I felt unappreciated. I became a new person that I didn't know and didn't like that I didn't even understand but how could I explain this to my mate. Were it my husband I could have easily explained it to him. But, this new man that was home from a year of isolation and violence in a war torn country wasn't the soft, understanding, patience, goofball I could confide in. I felt like he was an angry bitter stubborn hard headed jerk that I didn't want to be around that further thickened my skin. He was something I couldn't understand. Someone I no longer knew. Someone that pulled away from me, and receded into himself. I never wanted us to be that couple that didn't know what we were mad about but that became us. The anger, the fighting, the desperation, the disgust with each other. Somehow we became what we swore to the other we would never be.

Relationships are interesting in this way they never are going to be what you want them to be. You never can control the other person's feelings or actions. I am young, I'm a wife, I'm a mom, and I an generally inexperienced in the topic of love. I go by what I know and what the bible says and base my standard of love on that. Love is patient, kind, doesn't envy, doesn't brag, its not prideful, believes all things, doesn't lie, love never fails. How then could my love fail, my heart break, my devotion fail with the person I love with more than everything.

I am unsure of what we are doing any more we are going through the motions we are separating, we are together we are happy we are sad. We are trying to love through the hurt. We cannot make the other understand because our minds have already been made up. What else is left? How can you love alone...you cannot. We are failing....we are dying. We are hurting ourselves. We are poison and we are the antidote. But we cannot survive we cannot be saved if neither of us try. I want him to love me and I feel as if he does not, as if there is something else there that he is hiding from me. I feel as if the pain of his deployment and the bitterness is that something. The feeling of loneliness when he needed me there, the frustration at the sense of helplessness his lack of sleep his wanting for my comfort and support. A hug or laugh or kind word. Anything to distract him from the sheer madness he was surrounded by...and I was not there.

I too needed him then through the sleepless night, the struggle to raise and infant child, the lack of support, the constant criticism, the need of help, the need of love, everything, I just needed love, helpless, hopeless desperate love from him and it wasn't there. I needed him more than anything in this world and nothing was there. I needed him to love me and make me feel like he loved me and not just say it or type it he forgot about it, he stopped wanting me to love him he rejected my love and outreaches to him which made me pull further away from him...and now I harbor all of that within me...and it resurfaces the bruises from the past, the reminders of what other men have always done to me and how other men have always treated me. It has been painful it has been difficult to always be treated like a commodity and not like a person. A person of value. I wish I had value anymore...I feel like an appliance. But not like a necessity.

So where do I go from here? I live on through the hurt. I live on carrying the world on my shoulders and smiling through the pain....it does not get any better if neither of us try...I am trying as hard as I can to be here to be present...but I don't know what else I can truly do.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I can recall being a young person desiring to have a Valentine and getting so excited to go to school to exchange Valentine's with my classmates and thinking that the pre-printed card was custom written just for me. As I got older February 14th just became a day reminding me of my lonliness and of how I could not find a genuine individual to love me. It was such a difficult day. Why do people place such importance on a day that many of us don't know the origin of? I know that it was a day that a man named Valentine did something and it was romantic and tragic and became a saint because of it..but I really don't know WHY I want chocolate <--which I only like plain Hershey's becuase the one's in the heart box always have coconut and I hate coconut...and we expect roses....why? When flowers always die so what do those really mean? Why roses? Why not tulips or lily's? I dunno....this is a really cliche' day...but I love it. I cannot help it. I love to be loved. I love the way it makes me feel. I love how happy everyone is that receives a thoughtful card or a sweet gift. It makes you feel all giddy and special. Everyone wants to feel special. So I suppose that I hope that everyone is made to feel special esspecially on this day ;)....so happy Valentine's Day I hope that you spend it with someone special....or at least someone you love even if that someone is yourself!

Mr. High Maintenace

High-Maintenance [of a person] requiring much care and coddling. : He's sort of a high-maintenance guy. He requires lots of reassurance. Who is high maintenance? My husband? My boyfriend....neither my ten month old son, Noah.
I have told my family and friends how different my son is. He doesn't like when he sleeps in his own bed. He hates riding in his car seat. He doesn't like when I leave from the same room with him. He screams if he isn't in my line of sight. He throws a fit if I won't hold him every moment of the day. He needs my attention and affirmation constantly. He nurses every hour really wildly to the point of pain he kicks, rolls, flips the whole time then scurries away when he is done. He is extremely busy. He is really emotional, extremely happy or extremely sad no two days are the same. He gets inconsolable if he is unhappy. He throws fits. He does things that most other kids his age don't do...for the longest I was sure something was "wrong" with him...now I know that to be true...

My son Noah is a high needs baby.

"High Needs" really just confirms to parents that we aren't completely idiotic when it comes to raising our children. I randomly got a parenting magazine in the mail today, took the time to flip through it and discovered that I was not alone in this world when it comes to the high needs child. I thought Noah was just different. Everyone I know is always like "My baby sleeps through the night, my baby loves the car seat, my baby falls right asleep when I "put them down", my baby drinks from a cup/bottle, my baby is easy like Sunday morning"...I have the unique privilege to say "Well, my baby does none of those things." My son is very vocal. He hates his car seat. He hates when strangers hold him. He hates sleeping in his own bed. He hates the "pack and play". He refuses to drink from a cup. He refuses to take a bottle. He HATES to sleep in his own bed. He ALWAYS has been this way since the day he was born.

I find it hilarious when people sincerely offer me suggestions for my son...as if I haven't tried everything. Why would any mom in her right mind want to shower with their three month old glaring at them? I had to...my son would scream his head off if I left him in his room alone. I tried leaving him in his pack and play once, I walked into the room to find my five month old dangling from his pack and play attempting to climb out--he would have succeeded broken neck and all...I never did it again. I have tried to let my family "baby sit" and gave them breast milk in a bottle...he screamed so loudly and for so long my mother (who has eight children of her own) looked as if she had seen a ghost...I walked in the door picked him up instantly he stopped crying. She just said "He just loves his mom". Noah is high needs. No way around it. I know its my cross to bear. My husband who has been home from Afghanistan for two months is now getting tastes of what I go through. He witnesses the full body fits, where he throws his little head back goes limp and screams at the top of his voice because we won't allow him to pull the keys off the laptop. Or when you attempt to go to the bathroom he throws his body against the door screaming reaching his little fingers under the door until you let him in. Or when he cries because he was watching Baby Einstein and we change the channel...or God forbid the DVD skips.

Noah is ten months old. I have been told I was spoiling him, allowing him to run this house, creating negative behaviors. When in actuality the more I tried to separate him from me the worse his crying would get and the needier he becomes on me. After reading the article on High Needs Children I was informed that heeding his needs is what actually creates the trust he needs in me, for him to let me go. Did you get that...he needs to let me go...interesting theory isn't it? All this time I have been trying all that I could to separate from him...when its just like riding a bike he will never want to pedal if I don't build his trust in me first.

All parents approach their children differently. I have been giving a very unique child. He cannot self soothe. I have to cuddle him, sing him songs, breast feed him, the list goes on, but if it is not me doing something for him...he cannot do it alone. When he goes to sleep I have to be holding him or patting his back, but he cannot sleep without my assistance. My son Noah is ten months old. I know that he will not need me when he is ten or twenty, so for now this is okay. I know eventually I will be able to clean the house without having to hold a baby at the same time. Or cook dinner without having to carry him in his sling. We have just gotten to the point where he will ride in his stroller without crying, because the sights and sounds interest him. Before he needed to be touching me to feel "safe" outside our house. I envied all the other moms I would see in public pushing their strollers because they were so lucky to be able to just put their little one down. I have never had that luxury. I have yet to sleep more than 5 hours straight, because Noah needs to breastfeed to touch me he just needs assurance that mommy is there.

We recently moved Noah's bed in our room, next to our bed in which he sometimes sleeps. When he wakes up he climbs into our bed and nurses or just lays by me to snuggle. Sometimes he climbs in the bed every hour and I have to hold him till he falls asleep but he wont sleep unless he feels me beside him. Its frustrating because I am always tired because I wake constantly. Anytime I randomly awaken in the night he will wake up less then ten seconds after me. So from the toilet I hear his cry which rings so loudly I feel badly for my neighbors.

Noah's attachment to mom doesn't bother Kevin. I think at first he thought I had created the dependency until he witnessed that I wanted my own free time but wasn't allowed that with Noah's dependency on me. My husband says we have a special bond and a unique connection. I don't know what it is. But I know what my son needs. Its me. I'm the cure to this condition. It could be worse. He could have an actual disability. He just is more demanding than other babies. I am lucky that my first child needs me so much because its making me cautiously think about another child. I know that if we have another baby that I can expect this or less dependency next time around. Noah's needs have filled our hearts so we are waiting on another baby until he is old enough to understand it cannot always be Noah time...but I would love another little one. It is just really hard to think of what life would be like with two high needs babies. From what I am told high needs babies develop into very independent creative thinkers they just rely heavily on their parents while they are young. I can handle that.

Its amazing what mothers sacrifice for their little ones. Showers, sleep, sex, sanity...just to insure our children are okay. I will do whatever I must to insure this little one is okay.


My high maintenance baby wont always be that. One day he will be in Kindergarten and I will miss all the mommy time we shared. One day he will drive a car. He will go to prom. He will go to college. He will find a wife. And if he is lucky he will have a high needs baby of his own.

He Who Must Not Be Named...

I find it quite curious the the ones that you are closest to hurt you the most...and even more curious that the ones who hurt you are the ones you try to hold onto. Nearly everyone that has survived a bad relationship can attest to the fact that your so-called "special someone" stepped on your heart dragged it through the mud and you still attempt to dust it off and pretend as if the scuff marks weren't there. But they were. They slowly manifest into cracks and poisoned bitterness fills those cracks with disdain for that individual until you finally cannot stand them anymore. Then for the sake or your sanity you sever the relationship. But, why must you endure so much to realize that individual was bad? My first relationship, the first man I told I loved and lived with hurt me as deeply as any one man could. I never mention his name, I never discuss him, but I find myself thinking about him and wondering if he is still as evil to women now as he was to me then. I pray for the sake of womanhood that he has changed, but I remember how much I held on to him. How deeply I let him hurt me. How every apology and every gift and every excuse always pacified me. I remember how I was so bitter towards him and how I just wanted nothing more than to have never had met him. Then in the sick and twisted part of my brain I craved the excitement and drama....until it went to far. Until the drama was a twisted nightmare I couldn't escape because it was really happening to me and I didn't know how to stop it. I escaped and never looked back, but lost two years of my life, a lot of self respect and a lot of friends behind the worst man ever. I allowed his bad habits to control me and my choices and decisions. I allowed his moods to depict mine. I allowed his depression to engulf me. I allowed his low self esteem invade me. But why? Because I thought that was what it meant to love...to give him all of me, and keep none of me for myself. However, sometimes in life, you must remember to put yourself first above anyone else. Its not selfish, its responsible. You owe it to yourself to remember who you are and what you want to be. I don't know what made me think of this tonight, but it was on my mind. I just fear ever being in this situation again, because the first time it took two years to separate from. I never want to do it again...but if that be the case I think it would take me two minutes...because I will never allow any individual to destroy who I am. I love myself too much for that.

Blod Droid

just trying to see how this works from my phone this should be cool...

Come what may...

Is of course awake again in the middle of the night and what am I thinking about?

life...

again...

I wonder if everyone thinks of life or if they just live it and accept it...come what may...

I was born a Cravens and now I'm an Ogo...it is quite difficult to explain how life has brought me here...there was the seven siblings, the death of two, one murder, one cancer...the life in Baltimore, the abusive boyfriend, the depressed boyfriend, the feminine boyfriend, all of which were fiances that all broke their promises. There was UMKC, there was IRS, Sprint, Berkely, La Petite, then the Army...it has been so difficult going from one thing to the next but the thing with life is keeping going. You never are allowed to take a break and stop. You always have to just keep on going. Whether you are rich or poor you always have to keep going. I wonder why we are expected to keep going...even when life knocks you down and rains on you...you still are expected to drive on...

Its difficult, because no matter what things are never easy. It is odd how easy individuals try to make life but it isnt easy and it does not get any easier. So that is difficult. I feel bad because I know so many people going through trial after trial and situation after situation, it seems as if so much is handed down for people do deal with. It just doesnt get easier. There are good times and bad times but man are there bad times...so many for individuals to deal with. Some people really are so very prone to things being easy. But I guess that isnt my place in life...

So I keep driving on, I carry my crosses, heavy as they may be and face life head on

Come what may...