Random

I don't know what I am aiming to write about today. I don't have a particular focus but I have a cloud in my head and I want to swat it away but I cannot for the life of me get a clear focus of what the heck I'm even trying to say. I just want to go back. Backwards to a more simple time in my life and have a clear focus on what I'm doing. Have sense of pride in myself and what I'm doing. Have an understanding that I'm okay. Assure myself that life is rough but I cannot allow myself to dwell in the sorrow. I wish my future self could tell my present and past self these things. I am allow life to pass me by. I am allowing me, to prevent myself from being happy. I wish there was a button that could erase everything. I don't know if I will ever be in that place. I want to be but there is so much within me that is tearing me apart, and all it is...is me. I want to be better. Do better. FEEL better...but its like I'm so apprehensive. I am so afraid. I want to do better things within myself. I want to reach higher plateaus but its like I'm stopping myself. I know that I am capable of better things and I know I am able to do better, but its like I cannot get there. This is a random outlet but it makes my brain feel better. Sometimes I feel as if my brain and my mind block me from whatever it is that I'm doing. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better mother. I have to be. I don't want to mess up all that I have in this world.