The Terrible Two's

The terrible two's is the time at which a toddler reaches the point where they are too small for their voice to be heard, and too big to coddle like a child. The child is at a point where they want independence, but still need to be loved on like the baby they are. This is the point when the child wants to be a "big kid" but this very same kid may pee and poop in a diaper. This big kid wants to sleep in his own bed, but will scream for MOMMY in the middle of the night. This is such a big time for a kiddo and the same time its the point that you as a mom want to step into oncoming traffic. When do you get that "break" its like we were promised that when kids hit 2 they would automatically get "better"...and by better I assumed "easier" that wasn't the case. For me its gotten harder to juggle the schedule that never seems as tight as other mom's make their life out to be. Sometimes my son naps most times he doesn't. I qualify "sleeping through the night" as a 4 hour block. I still always feel like I have a hang over. I should wear a scarlet F for "F---up" because my kid still hasn't graduated from my bed...its like its one big mess upon mess. All the mommy NO-NO's I wasn't supposed to do I have done...and I feel ashamed about them. My son is 21 months and he still breastfeeds and I just don't know how to make him stop. I feel more lost at this point in his life then I did when he was 21 days old. Back in the good old days of him being an infant I would go down the list diaper, gas, milk, sleep. One of those things is always the "answer" to what was wrong. Now its a plethora of possibilities and I can't ever seem to put my finger on the exact thing. Some days my son and I are in perfect harmony. In such sync that its like we are using the same brain to think. Other days I feel like I have adopted a child that I know nothing about. I always thought that life would be easier the older he got. Now its gotten more complex. He has fits, he hits, he kicks, he refuses to eat, he "runs" me. So if this isn't terrible twos I am deathly afraid of what is. Its like I knew what I was getting into and its worse than I ever thought. Mostly I blame myself as is a mother's life...I mean what else is there for me to do? I was told that mothers teach their children how to behave, and I have taught him these patterns, and want so desperately to have a British firm but fair nanny to come in my house and fix all of this in a week. I know I have no such luck. I don't have a happy ending to this blog, this is just me throwing it out there. I expect to be judged. I expect other mothers to give their cocky answers to how they have done and will do a better job and how I'm the worst mother in the world....and I'll take it, I probably am. I love my kiddo. He is my first born. I am 25. He is 2. He is my everything. I can't stand to see him cry, even though I know he "puts on" the water works for me, I still refuse to allow him to "cry it out"....when I am upset I need to be consoled. So does he. One of these days together we will find the perfect schedule but for now we are playing it by ear. It can't be easy to grow up, because everything is always changing. One day it will get better...or at least I hope it can....but for now we are preparing for the "worst"....and that is the early onset of terrible twos...